always being a second choice

Hi guysss so on my previous post I talked about redesigning my blog or even moving it to Blogger, and yes I ended up doing just that and I'm really happy with the current design of my blog! :) Maybe when I'm bored or unhappy with it again next time I will redesign it again though hahaha. And the previous posts are just copy and pastes with minimal edit so yup, they might not really make sense now that I've already changed my blog etc so yeah haha. xD

Anddd second time blogging this holidays! idkkk there's just a lot a lot of things on my mind recently. :/ Not a good thing to me. So yeah, just gonna move on to my main topic now since there isn't really a lot to talk about.

Always being a second choice.

I'm pretty sure most if not all of us have experienced that awful feeling. And really, sometimes it feels freaking horrible, and you just sit there stoning as your heart shatters into a million pieces.

Okay not that exaggerating but yeah, you pretty much feel like dying. Especially when you treat the person who treats you like a second choice as your first choice. That really sucks. A lot.



Personally, I'm almost always everyone's second choice, if not further down the list. Well, at least I think so, kindly correct me if you're sure I'm wrong, because well, I rarely am.

Recently, this question popped up a heck load of times in my mind. Why am I always the second choice? Why can't I ever be just ONE person's first choice? It just always seems like I'm not good enough, but no one ever tells me what's actually wrong with me. I guess that's how people are, no?

It's just stupid to me how people treats you as their second choice when they obviously are your first choice and when you give your all to them. Don't they ever realise? Sometimes you help them with everything and you're there for them when they need you, but were they always there for you? Sadly, no. But you do know deep down in your heart that yes, they're there. However, not for you. They're there for someone else - their first choice. And well, the quote below really describes how I feel right now.

I, for one, do not know exactly how to deal with this feeling. Well, I just do the normal stuff people do I guess - listen to music, rant to my friends, and yes, blog about it. (and I guess these are quite effective really, especially ranting to friends. well at least to me. whatever you do, just don't bottle up your feelings, it'll just get worse and worse :) ) And um this may not be that normal, but I search for quotes relating to my feelings and I set them as my status / display picture on whatsapp. You can say I'm a really expressive person, so I really convey my thoughts a lot through words and pictures, yup.

And also, I don't even know why exactly I'm blogging about this. There's just a lot of things that hit me recently and made me sorta think about my life. Why am I putting in so much effort for someone (or rather, some people) who don't even spare a single thought for my feelings? Why do I care so much about someone who probably doesn't even think about me? Well I don't know. Maybe I should just stop caring so much for others and start to care more for myself. And yes, these two quotes apply perfectly here:

"Never lose yourself in the process of valuing someone so much that you forget that you're special too"

"There are times that you have to stop caring, turn off all emotions and feelings, just to protect yourself from getting hurt"

It's really frustrating how someone you care so much for, can just hurt your feelings like you don't mean a single thing to them. I mean yes, they may talk to you, make you laugh, say the sweetest things to you and they make you feel special. But have you ever asked yourself, how many other people are they doing that to? Not trying to burst your bubble, but probably countless.

For example,

Your crush talks to you really sweetly and always send you vv sweet texts. He makes you feel special and loved, and no one else ever made you feel this way before. He gives you a glimmer of hope and makes you think "wow, maybe he actually likes me too. maybe for once... i'll actually be someone's first choice" and he actually knows you feel this way - he knows you feel something special for him.

A moment later, as if to prove you ALL wrong, you realise that gosh, your crush actually does the same thing to every other girl, like literally. He flirts with 57192084971 girls and talks to them flirtatiously even though he knows that you like him. All of your hopes or even your entire life, comes crashing down right before your eyes.

All this while you've treated your crush as your first choice (obviously) but now you realise you're just a second choice (or worse) / substitute to your crush when he has no one else to talk to / go to. And yes, that feeling really sucks.

It's like ewww, not only is that like super gross because the crush flirts with THAT many girls (and finds nothing wrong with it. like seriously, what's wrong with the crush?), it also hurts, doesn't it? Can't they spare a thought for others, oh my, and are they really THAT desperate for a girlfriend that they have to flirt so much? Ew. Gross, seriously.

And of course the "you" will be super upset and disappointed with the crush, because well they've always meant a lot to her but now, no. Just no. (Once again, Rachel and Ruth, please DO NOT expose me. :D)

Okay so that's the end of my super long rant and yeaa gonna watch the World Cup France vs Honduras match for awhile more then sleep. :) And yes LOL I do watch soccer don't be surprised. xD byeeeee. :D

xoxo,
shaniceee

jealousy or envy?

It's finally the long awaited June holidays! :D But there's like soooo many projects this holidays too omg fml T_T This holidays will be like super busy with all the project meet ups ._. Still I'll find time to relax myself and take breaks. :D In fact, I haven't even started homework LOL for this past one week I've been like lepak-ing and nua-ing. D: But hopefully I'll finish the projects soon, so I will have time for my personal stuff.

Anyway, I'll probably be revamping my blog or even changing it as a whole (eg. changing to Blogger thus having another site address) so yeahh. I don't even know why I'm doing it, I just don't really like my blog as it is currently? xD Like the font and layout etc, they're not really that versatile. Also, although Wordpress is stereotyped to be "better" than Blogger, I once used Blogger and I find it quite okay personally. There's also more blogskins and themes for Blogger compared to Wordpress. I've tried to find a theme on Wordpress which caters to my needs and preferences but I can't seem to find one. :( But even after changing my blog, I will transfer all of my posts there too. However, all of these "changing blog" stuff is just a big question mark, but yeah I'll be working on it. :)

Okay so on to the main topic - jealousy and envy. So honestly, jealousy and envy is EVERYWHERE in our daily lives - you can't deny it. ALL of us experience it, but sometimes we just can't differentiate between jealousy and envy. For example,

You: Oh my gosh, she's so pretty and popular! I wish I could be like her...

Is that jealousy or envy? Well, it can be either, at least in my opinion.

To me, jealousy is something you experience when you don't really like the other party yet the other party has something you don't, and it often feels "sour" and you'll find yourself disliking the person even more. On the other hand, envy isn't. It's something VERY normal. You can be purely envious of your friend without any negative thoughts. To me, envy doesn't feel bad, it's just pure longing for something someone who you don't dislike has. You won't find yourself cursing the person or feeling inferior compared to the person.

 (oops vvv small but anyway yup you get my point)

But still, it's PERFECTLY FINE being jealous of someone. Personally, I'm someone who gets jealous / envious VERY easily. Even the slightest and stupidest thing can activate my ultimate jealous mode. For example...

*crush likes my post*
- 1 second later -
*Girl A who's rly close to crush likes my post*
Me: Oh my freakin gosh! They are like so close and they always go out together! And now they've even liked my post at basically the same time!? O M G are they like together now oh my no!!! What the hell man how could they!? Maybe he likes her... Ugh oh my gosh. (Ruth DON'T expose me.)

Yup, that's how easily I get jealous. :) It's like the most unrelated things can get me linking it to sooo many other things and ta-daa, jealous mode activated! And yeah if you haven't realised, I'm a reallyyyyy insecure person. I have many many many insecurities. The thing is that I don't rly show it to people, because well, once people know about your insecurities, they start to use it against you... and hurt you. And that's something I rly don't want to happen.

^ this is like 100% accurate omg.

So if I ever show you my insecure side, it only mean one thing - I rly rly rlyyy trust you A LOT. So please, don't betray my trust alright :-)

And I even have insecurities about my (best) friends, I fear that they secretly hate me and whatever shit LOL. xD Hmm, and when my vvv close friends like my clique (esp bestie Rachel <3) get close to other people (or even when Rachel gets closer to some people in my clique), I feel REALLY insecure. I don't even know why I feel that way, I just feel so. Oh and, I get pretty much super duper jealous when she does something for practically everyone else, other than me. :) (Rach if you ever read this which I know you will, you should know what I'm talking about :D)

That's how insecure I am / easily I get jealous, once again.

And if you're like me and you get jealous when your bestie does something for other people but not for you, I feel you. That feeling sucks and sometimes, it rly hurts. A lot. Especially if your bestie does something for other people naturally and willingly, but even after your continual asking, he/she still doesn't do it for you. Okay well, he/she may make a tiny little bit of amends after you ask, but is that really sincere? Not to me. How is it still sincere if it's only done after your repeated requests, right?

Okay so, that's the end of my rant I guess, and no you shouldn't feel bad about yourself for being jealous or envious of even your best friend. As I said, it's perfectly fine and normal and it happens to many people - including me.

Although your friend may not feel good about you being jealous or envious, well, deep down in your heart, you yourself know that you're actually jealous or envious because your friend is better / has something better than you, so it's sorta a compliment to him or her. I'm not insulting you but it happens to me too so no hard feelings yeah, and you can't deny that.

Ah okay I swear this is the end of this long-winded post. xD And I'm sooo looking forward to Ms Cheng's wedding tomorrow!! <3 It's such a special day for both her and us and I'll finally get to meet (3/5) Hemethyst again :D And ofc my bae Rachel although I just met her on Tuesday <3 However I'm not following the theme which is garden / pastel colour :/ Haish wearing my navy blue & red checkered dress from CNY instead! Hmm and hope Ms Cheng will like our class' gifts for her - the Mr & Mrs cups from Precious Thots, "We've Only Just Begun" figurine from Precious Thots too and a Polaroid camera! :)

Here are some pics hehe:

 

The cute Mr & Mrs cups hehe :3

The even cuter We've Only Just Begun figurine!!! <3

And I think this will be the Polaroid camera we're getting for her :3

Haha so anyway tomorrow I need to wake up earlier for Ms Cheng's wedding so yup I'll sleep earlier today xD although not that early also LOL. So yeah, hasta la vista! ;)

xoxo,

shaniceee